Ladies and Gentlemen I join you after a month off. I come to you out of the jaws of death. A gruesome death at the hands of... I mean the talons of a man-killer, otherwise known as the Peregrine Falcon.
May I live to be a 100 years old I'll never forget those brown spots in its feathers! I wake up in a cold sweat after nightmares of those spots. I'll never forget those spots!
Let's go back to last week. I was innocently fixing the overhang on the roof. I had my ladder in place and I prepared to climb the two and half stories to get to the roof. I looked up and noticed some wasps flying around the roof and I thought I was in some real danger. Little did I know where the danger would come from! I heard a noise that was eerily reminiscent of the sounds raptors made in the movie "Jurassic Park". As we may recall birds descended from dinosaurs and I met the raptors nearest ancestor, the Peregrine Falcon. The fastest animal on the planet!
Little did I know that those noises were directed at me! Then out of nowhere swooped down death's messenger. I just happened to duck in time to watch that bat out of hell go over me! Then he came around again with that noise of death. I ducked again and he flew over. But the third time I wasn't so lucky. Satan's little helper dive bombed me on the head. I took a direct blow. They sunk my battleship!
I felt that blow for the next 2 hours. Meanwhile they dive bombed me again at least 30 more times that night. I came prepared for the next assault in my bike helmet and sunglasses. Those birds of prey flew literally 3 feet from my head then made an instant 90 degree turn and flew straight up the side of the building. I decided to put my competitive nature away and concede the night to them and just return the next time to finish the roof.
The next morning I could still hear those menacing shrills in the distant. Those birds like in Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" were still in the trees across the street. Surely they couldn't be there that same evening.
As I did the evening before I prepared my ladder and made my accent. Helmet-check. Sunglasses-check. I carefully made my way to the top of the ladder. As I was about to begin my work out of Satan's womb came these birds. Two them to more effectively knock me off the ladder. I ferociously defended myself as flashback's to Hitchcock's "The Birds" entered my mind. Was my life to be done in? It felt like Pearl Harbor as I made my way down the ladder. Bombing from every direction.
Temptation seeped in my thoughts to show them who really is at the top of the food chain. I wanted to get my tennis racket and show these vile birds the true meaning of "The Grand Slam". I however did not. The sun went down and the reverse of Count Dracula happened and they disappeared. I fixed the roof and was done with it.
Flash forward to this week. I was at work and I heard the quaint chirping of a bird in distress. On our roof was a cockatiel. He had flown away from his owner and looked like a fish out of water. He couldn't fly. I got up on the roof and saved his little bird life.
He now has a name: Petie. Petie now inhabits my office pooping where ever he goes. But I'll take poop over those brown spots any day!
You're free to fly the crimson sky
2 comments:
I love that you have replaced me with a bird. Just kidding be safe.
The attack of the bird. What I'd have paid to see you get beat over and over by a pack of birds. Ha. Thanks for the laugh! ;)
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